DARTFORD JFC - FOOTBALL JOKES
Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for
fans who are troubled by their current form.
The number is:
0800 10 10 10.
Calls are charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is:
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
Liverpool
BARCELONA winger Lionel Messi says Liverpool won their Champions League clash by playing "ugly and dirty". Or as we know them as: Craig Bellamy and Jamie Carragher.
Chelsea
CHELSEA are in advanced talks with Disney over a multi-million-pound partnership aimed at generating major marketing opportunities for the club. A Disney spokesperson said, “Well, we're used to dealing with a bunch Muppets.”
Liverpool
LIVERPOOL are alleged to have gone on an alcohol fuelled rampage at a golf course during their training camp in Portugal last week. One player was even reported to have hit another with a small club, or to give it its proper name: Everton.
Westham
WEST HAM manager Alan Curbishley has blamed bird flu for turning his multi-million pound side into a bunch of lame turkeys. Since joining the Hammers Curbishley has done what he does best: trying to keep Charlton up.
Liverpool
Smaller club Everton manager David Moyes has blasted Liverpool FC's manager Rafa Benitez for calling his smaller club a smaller club.
“How dare he say that Everton FC are a smaller club! Just because they have won some European trophies and many more domestic trophies than us, just because they have bigger support and crowds than us, just because they have multiple bids from billionaires and just because they are a bigger club doesn't mean that we are a smaller club!”
“I'm not ginger!” Added Moyes.
Westham
WEST HAM chairman Mr Magnusson's last words to Alan Pardew? “I've started so you're finished.”
Puma
PUMA have defended their decision to produce Tottenham's third kit in the much-maligned colour of all brown. At least they now look how they play, said a speaking person.
Saddam Hussein
SADDAM HUSSEIN is to appeal against his death sentence by assembling the most expensive defence money can buy. The good news is that it's Liverpool's.
Mike Newell
LUTON manager Mike Newell hopes the feud over his sexist remarks regarding lineswoman Amy Rayner is now over. I've beaten myself up about it enough, now it's the wife's turn again.
David Beckham
VICTORIA Beckham has described Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's wedding as just like watching a Real Madrid match: loads of overpaid stars on show, very little talent and no sight of David Beckham at all.
Westham Sponsor deal
THE FA has stepped in to scupper West Ham's lucrative sponsorship deal with the pet-food firm Spillers. An FA spokesman said that it would breach trading standards to have West Ham players wearing Winnalot' on their shirts.
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."